Throwback, Mothaflufflas, or Thinking of Drinks

Jamie=pretty ruckin' fusty at this!

Hey there, two or three people in the whole world who might think to check my blog to see if I'll ever post again and end up reading this! How y'all doin'? Are you as nervous as I am?!



I decided to try my hand at blogging again today to revisit old times and get myself writing again to maybe get myself in a good place creatively. Or, at the very least, expressively. How often is it that I mention that I'm in a creative rut? Haha, why do I feel the need at this point? It seems to be a condition of being Jamie. Let's see what I can do:

'Fridgerator glow
Casts a grimace on my face
Mountain Dew stares back.

Sip Canada Dry
What color is this liquid?
Surely not so green!

Found content, then, with
Mexican Coca-Cola--
Sugary, brown, calm.

Yesterday, I drank

A mocha latte; Just Right.

Smiled thinking of you.

Dismantle this mass of squiggles

And twirl it 'round your fingers

I will hand you forth my innards

So long you keep them safe.

I imagine a brown bottle, sun shining through

Profound translucence from so dark a color

I peer in and lose myself in a bottomless well of depth and sun

Where I will gladly make my home

Tumbling head over heels, never to gain my footing.

I'm actually pretty happy with this. I think I'm done writing for tonight/this morning; I got more out of myself than I'd expected, inchoateness notwithstanding!

I know this isn't really a blog post, per se, in that I haven't told you anything new about where my Life's at, but if you want to know about that, perhaps I'll try posting again soon!

Or you might consider checking your snail mail!

Thank y'all for humoring me! I think I'm off to bed after I finish listening to this album! (Kid A-Radiohead)

                                                                                                                     Cheers,
                                                                                                                        ~James

Neue Menschen, neue Erfahrungen--bin ich fast ein Erwachsene?

Jamie equates ambivalence regarding school tomorrow

Today, fellow folktypes, is the last day of summer vacation. Feelin' the anxiety, feelin' the woe. But definitely looking forward to being productive. Having some sort of business. Especially in German and Chorus. Hoping really hard that I'll make Select again this year (what happened to the subjects of these sentences?). Gotta practice for September! Touch up my intonation. Going noticeably sharp lately. I hope this is a sign that my ear is developing and not just that I'm becoming too lax with my voice :-\. In any case, I'll be auditioning, so I'd better tune up!

So, I will most likely be neglecting to sleep tonight, as is mostly tradition for me on the night before the first day of school. Maybe I'll write or draw something. I oughta take initiative and utilize my punch-drunk creative energy for once! I used to write and draw so much back in the dee. Which, I've come to discover, may not have been a Wednesday after all ;)

I've been enjoying the company of some Tried-and-True friends as well as a couple of new friends...who are so familiar to me somehow that they seem like Tried-and-True friends already. It's been great and for the most part stress-free hanging out. Though I wonder if I'm being silly to not pursue a certain aspect of hanging out. Am I being unreasonable to hold onto my reserve about that? There are lots of reasons floating around in my head to not just give it a shot, but I'm not sure that any of them can hold up. I do know for sure that it's quite uncomfortable being singled out for it, heh.

Haha, I just realized that I left my leather jacket and gloves at Sky and Amy's...oops! I hope we'll go to IHOP again this Friday. Hey, it's after school, right? I don't want this new aspect of my social Life to dwindle on behalf of academia. But we'll see what happens.

I've lost my steam on this blog, as it was interrupted by a less-than-impromptu voyage to the Sonic in Wilmington. I think I'll just enter a sugar coma now. Ta-ta!

~Jamie

Where Is My Mind?

Jamie=Rhythmically challenged in the Circadian sense...

Summer vacation is taking its toll, fellows and fellowettes...

Slept from between seven and eight AM to a little after eight PM yesterday and have been awake since. I'm waiting for eight tonight to surrender my consciousness. It is an agonizing temptation to just go and have a lie-down, but NOOO! Self restraint! I am a monkette! Otherwise known as a nun! (I am neither of the two and do not intend to pursue such aspects in this Life.)

So tomorrow I have my Senior Portrait at 3:30 at skizool, which should be fun. Planning to wear one of my favorite shirts and a new choker I just made! I hope my minute smiling eyes can withstand the unforgiving technological scrutiny of a professional camera. Oh, with a dude/dudette behind it, telling it what to see.

Just something someone said that set me off: "Just because you say it's art doesn't mean it is." You're right. And it doesn't mean it's not, either. Our tastes don't often overlap, but I wouldn't say it's my call to question their status as artists just because I don't like them. Why does amateur musical knowledge get to a person's head so quickly? Why am I getting to be like that too?

I miss Laura now that she's with her dad in Illinois, and it wasn't until very recently that there was anything/anyone at all to suggest that it's weird that Laura and I don't normally talk during the summer...like, we just don't. We don't talk on the phone much during the rest of the year except to make plans...but at least this summer we're emailing, which is awesome. How am I going to do the long-distance friendship thing in college and beyond? Will I break my habits and subsequently break collegiate tradition and actually keep in touch? :-\

And I miss Adam from the couple of times we hung out. Thanks for the CDs; I'm reallly enjoying Pixies and Regina...not as much The Vaselines, I'm sad to say. I think we'd get along really well. Openness, writing, music, humility, and curly hair FTW!

My cat threw up in Lindsay's room last night...I cleaned it in exchange for Lindsay's guarantee that she won't take Grey with her when she moves in with dad. It wasn't that bad...that's, like, the third time I've cleaned up his frowup. It's cuter when it's called frowup, isn't it? O:-)

Usually when I'm quite overtired, time just freaking flies, but right now it feels like it's hardly moving...maybe I'll go to bed at seven rather than at eight if I don't end up hanging out with Sky. Ich bin muede, sogar kaputt. Oh yeah, I finally got the books for my summer German homework today. Huzzah! Deutsch Zeit!

Okay, shalom, mothafluffas. I shall not let any more locomotives leave this senseless station for the moment.

~James

Summer

Jamie=awake, cheery, and in severe want of a shopping spree

Today is going to be a good day. :)

Last night, I stayed over my dad's for the first time in a good while. Mostly I just hung around, watched some T.V., fooled around on the guitar, and played with the new puppy, Ben-Ben. Did not sleep much (fell asleep sometime around sunrise, prolly and woke up at about seven thirty), but I feel well-rested and happy.

It's unreal that it's already summer vacation. I'm already losing track of which day it is and going to bed at four in the morning. Hopefully this summer will last as long as last summer did. Seriously, I got a lot out of last summer, thinking and spending time with myself ;) (just kidding!) I could benefit a lot from learning how to drive and/or getting a job this time around, though. I would dig working for Ron at the Kwik Mart around the bend, but I don't think he needs help. Worth a shot to let him know that I'm around, though! If that isn't an option, I'll soon be employed by my dad to paint sign posts, which is easy and lucrative. I'd like to be useful to someone somehow.

Looking forward to my correspondence with Laura while she's in Illinois--I'm awful at staying in touch, so it's great that she wants to write me this summer, so I'll have immediate motivation to write back. I've always liked the idea of having a pen pal, and why not have a real-pal pen pal?

On a slightly more discordant note, I've been in a creative rut for approaching forever now. Although I've had some new ideas, my ability to ditch my reserve and just create and perfect later is lacking, namely in writing. I'm a good writer, and I'm holding myself back by not trying harder to get myself into it again. Maybe I should talk with Mr. Keeley. I wish I'd gotten to take Creative Writing this year at school :-\. I'm thoroughly convinced that I could get some ideas onto paper with grades and my GPA as an incentive. In any case, I'll be sure to submit to Tower again this winter.

I kind of want to skip ahead to college. I want to be in an environment where everyone around me has a genuine and in-depth interest in language like I do. I love the idea of just spouting off about linguistic stuff and having someone not only know what I'm talking about but also be able to theorize with me (fuck parallel structure, mofos! Sentience towards grammatical no-nos in text FTW.) I don't like feeling like the one goody-goody student in a class, because it makes me seem even less personable to my fellows and fellowettes than I'm already not. That is entirely my deal, though! Either way, I want to get into a good school with some serious scholarship action going on and to make new friends while keeping the old.

And I could seriously go for some new apparel in the form of underunits, pantaloneses, and socks. Who's with me?!

~James

Better

Jamie=baffled by her perceived duration of this vacation and hopeful for developments to come

Top o' the Marnin', folktypes! Long time no speak!

I'm rather on the sleepy side and I desire waffles, but alas! Es gibt einfach keine Waffeln im Tiefkuehlschrank. Yeah, Eggo is ideal for the non-breakfast-making type.

So, I'm feeling a bit better about stuff lately, feeling that some amends have been made, feeling much more at ease!

I've finally gotten around to some long-awaited, long-neglected sorries, and I'm thinking things will transition nicely back towards something near what they used to be like. Maybe that's really wishful thinking, but hanging out with Nick the other day felt mostly like the old days. :)

I just have to stop being so serious and loosen up, because all this internal gravity is making me pedantic and oversensitive. I do not want to be that person, and I'm really not that person. I love humor too much to let introspection overtake my sense of lightheartedness. I can balance the two, as antipodal as they sometimes prove to be, and aspire to do so again.

On that note, there seems to be a volume of hanky-panky taking place on my couch and possibly in the cupola on this fine morning. HEY! I'M NOT BABYSITTING IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, MISSY. It's really fortunate that I've never been propositioned to babysit for Lisa or Eric, the former being more likely to ask me in the first place, for geographical pragmatism. Thassokay. You don't want me to be in charge of your child.

Saw Kickass last night with Sky and got in for free, thanks to some astounding NECAP scores (actually, my math score was atrocious--yet more incentive to study for the SAT.) It was good, way more violent and gory than I'd expected! Very funny, though. But I must ask, Nicholas Cage, what the Hell are you doing in this film, dressed like Batman, and so moustachedly endowed? Hm, that's probably not a good way to word that, but I'm keeping it that way. The question remains. Think about it. I would recommend Kickass to those of you who would like bits that are briefly and vaguely reminiscent of Kill Bill. :)

Okay, I think that's it for me for now. I just wanted to post to clear the depressed mood of my previous blog.

~James

Musing on my Relationships, Chronically Adressed Resolutions

Jamie=delving deeper into the fact that interpersonal relationships are something that she seriously struggles with.

Beyond lacking basic social etiquette and giving strange impressions, there's a more fundamental problem there, I think. I've always been more introverted than extroverted, which is fine and in and of itself is not a problem with me. I like to think that I can think independently, logic aside. My deal, though, is that my introversion has gotten to be extreme enough that I do not have the capacity for healthy, mutual relationships with other people. I tend to take emotionally and materialistically and give next to nothing back. I aspire towards balance and fairness but am too hesitant and too unsympathetic to know what that really means on my end. I don't want to give up on it; there's no reason to! I'm a very young person with a great capacity to change. I want to find my own means of treating people and treating myself, because I find a lot of social standards to be irrelevant to how I've learned that I feel about things. There are some that I find make sense, though, that I want to work on. For example, don't let a new person in your life replace the Tried and True. The new don't have to earn you, but they ought to learn you. It's not fair to step into someone's life and immediately make demands of them. People already have so much internally to work out and it doesn't tend to help either party to add onto that persistent stress. Secondly, I want to start making some of the moves, so my friends can be assured of their importance to me, their value to me. It's not that I don't care enough to be the one to make plans. It's just that, as silly as it sounds, it often doesn't occur to me to do it because I enjoy my time alone as well. When I'm not stimulated socially, most of the time I'm internally stimulated and don't actively seek company. It's nothing personal and I don't mean to make you unsure of whether I'm engaged. It's still something to work on, though. I'm not very considerate of other people, in large part due to my lack of understanding to sympathize. Sometimes I oppose, and sometimes I'm just neutral because I haven't experienced what you're going through and don't have real advice. I would rather give advice from experience or from whatever I can offer as far as an objective standpoint goes, than empty advice that doesn't help or even reassure anyone.

I've realized that I really do have a hard time with superficial social matters. I would rather not put myself forth if I don't personally believe in my standpoint, which can also make me unsupportive. I don't think feigning an opinion is convincing when I do it, so I try to abstain from doing so whenever possible. Still could improve there, too, though.

I don't want people to feel obligated towards me when I'm figuring things out for myself, because I tend to close people out when I am doing so and may very well come to conclusions that are not kindly met by the people close to me. I don't want to push people away from me, but I don't want to pull them in if I can't even be sure that I can cater to them emotionally as I solidify my beliefs. The problem with all that is that I simply can't expect my friends to detach that way if they haven't already found a reason that would cause them to. The way I look at self discipline and responsibility does not tend to work for other people, which is understandable. It's a way of approaching things that can lead to taking on inordinate amounts of (hypothetical) responsibility, but also to being selfish. I don't ask that people bend to accommodate that, because it encompasses the idea of catering to one's own beliefs and not necessarily to others, but at least it can be known. It is y'all's choice as to how you would/will go about that.

~James

Apology, Explanation, Reflection, Request, Personal Quest

I feel a strong urge to write a blog tonight.

I just got home from a Guitar Hero-playing, homework-doing excursion at Shea, Cheyenne, and Gail's place. I'm glad to have gotten to spend time with Shea and Cheyenne (Gail was at work) and play Guitar Hero and to have at least started some homework.

However, I am very upset and very torn about something that came up regarding a poem I wrote about a once close, now very distant friend. What I wrote in the poem was anything but nice and was in fact scornful and accusing. I wrote it out of anger, but also out of honesty for how I've been feeling. I feel badly that my friend found this poem without warning, and although I did not write it with any particular intent for him to see it, I would not have put it on a website had I wanted it to be private. That is to say, I didn't intend for him not to see it, either. I am glad that he read it, because at least he knows how I feel, but I realize that it's a problem that I cannot go to him and just say it to him and give him some chance at defense. I attacked him and put my attack on display, which is cowardly. I wanted to vent, just as I vented about another person publicly but without naming names, and a bit of a while after the fact. I can't justify, really, trying to pass it off as just poetry--it doesn't belong on Fictionpress of all public places. I will not remove, it, though, because now that I've mentioned it here, it's everyone's business to read what I'm talking about and be angry with me for what I said and the way I said it if they so wish. If they know my Fictionpress. To advertise my Fictionpress in this situation would make it seem that I am advertising my kinder words to win people over, which is not the point. So, if you know it already, go ahead. If not, you won't find it here.

Although I often feel very obligated towards people and would sometimes rather serve their interests before mine to avoid unnecessary conflict, I often wish to ask that people step back and give me my space to learn for myself. I hate to be obstinate while asking others to open up, but I would rather learn my lessons from my own experiences rather than take someone else's word for it. It doesn't make me an idiot for not listening in the first place even if what you say turns out to be true. It may seem like a waste of time, but I do not understand until I understand and am better off that way. I don't ask you to stand by me in that. Even if I were to feel hurt or unsupported in a situation where I was testing the waters for myself and my friends or family separated themselves from it, I would rather know, in the end, that I learned what I needed to for myself. I could just as easily be pleasantly surprised as unpleasantly surprised in what I learn, and to an extent, I am willing to find out which it will be the hard way.

~Your aloof friend,
James