Apology, Explanation, Reflection, Request, Personal Quest

I feel a strong urge to write a blog tonight.

I just got home from a Guitar Hero-playing, homework-doing excursion at Shea, Cheyenne, and Gail's place. I'm glad to have gotten to spend time with Shea and Cheyenne (Gail was at work) and play Guitar Hero and to have at least started some homework.

However, I am very upset and very torn about something that came up regarding a poem I wrote about a once close, now very distant friend. What I wrote in the poem was anything but nice and was in fact scornful and accusing. I wrote it out of anger, but also out of honesty for how I've been feeling. I feel badly that my friend found this poem without warning, and although I did not write it with any particular intent for him to see it, I would not have put it on a website had I wanted it to be private. That is to say, I didn't intend for him not to see it, either. I am glad that he read it, because at least he knows how I feel, but I realize that it's a problem that I cannot go to him and just say it to him and give him some chance at defense. I attacked him and put my attack on display, which is cowardly. I wanted to vent, just as I vented about another person publicly but without naming names, and a bit of a while after the fact. I can't justify, really, trying to pass it off as just poetry--it doesn't belong on Fictionpress of all public places. I will not remove, it, though, because now that I've mentioned it here, it's everyone's business to read what I'm talking about and be angry with me for what I said and the way I said it if they so wish. If they know my Fictionpress. To advertise my Fictionpress in this situation would make it seem that I am advertising my kinder words to win people over, which is not the point. So, if you know it already, go ahead. If not, you won't find it here.

Although I often feel very obligated towards people and would sometimes rather serve their interests before mine to avoid unnecessary conflict, I often wish to ask that people step back and give me my space to learn for myself. I hate to be obstinate while asking others to open up, but I would rather learn my lessons from my own experiences rather than take someone else's word for it. It doesn't make me an idiot for not listening in the first place even if what you say turns out to be true. It may seem like a waste of time, but I do not understand until I understand and am better off that way. I don't ask you to stand by me in that. Even if I were to feel hurt or unsupported in a situation where I was testing the waters for myself and my friends or family separated themselves from it, I would rather know, in the end, that I learned what I needed to for myself. I could just as easily be pleasantly surprised as unpleasantly surprised in what I learn, and to an extent, I am willing to find out which it will be the hard way.

~Your aloof friend,
James