Jamie=awake, cheery, and in severe want of a shopping spree
Today is going to be a good day. :)
Last night, I stayed over my dad's for the first time in a good while. Mostly I just hung around, watched some T.V., fooled around on the guitar, and played with the new puppy, Ben-Ben. Did not sleep much (fell asleep sometime around sunrise, prolly and woke up at about seven thirty), but I feel well-rested and happy.
It's unreal that it's already summer vacation. I'm already losing track of which day it is and going to bed at four in the morning. Hopefully this summer will last as long as last summer did. Seriously, I got a lot out of last summer, thinking and spending time with myself ;) (just kidding!) I could benefit a lot from learning how to drive and/or getting a job this time around, though. I would dig working for Ron at the Kwik Mart around the bend, but I don't think he needs help. Worth a shot to let him know that I'm around, though! If that isn't an option, I'll soon be employed by my dad to paint sign posts, which is easy and lucrative. I'd like to be useful to someone somehow.
Looking forward to my correspondence with Laura while she's in Illinois--I'm awful at staying in touch, so it's great that she wants to write me this summer, so I'll have immediate motivation to write back. I've always liked the idea of having a pen pal, and why not have a real-pal pen pal?
On a slightly more discordant note, I've been in a creative rut for approaching forever now. Although I've had some new ideas, my ability to ditch my reserve and just create and perfect later is lacking, namely in writing. I'm a good writer, and I'm holding myself back by not trying harder to get myself into it again. Maybe I should talk with Mr. Keeley. I wish I'd gotten to take Creative Writing this year at school :-\. I'm thoroughly convinced that I could get some ideas onto paper with grades and my GPA as an incentive. In any case, I'll be sure to submit to Tower again this winter.
I kind of want to skip ahead to college. I want to be in an environment where everyone around me has a genuine and in-depth interest in language like I do. I love the idea of just spouting off about linguistic stuff and having someone not only know what I'm talking about but also be able to theorize with me (fuck parallel structure, mofos! Sentience towards grammatical no-nos in text FTW.) I don't like feeling like the one goody-goody student in a class, because it makes me seem even less personable to my fellows and fellowettes than I'm already not. That is entirely my deal, though! Either way, I want to get into a good school with some serious scholarship action going on and to make new friends while keeping the old.
And I could seriously go for some new apparel in the form of underunits, pantaloneses, and socks. Who's with me?!
~James
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Better
Jamie=baffled by her perceived duration of this vacation and hopeful for developments to come
Top o' the Marnin', folktypes! Long time no speak!
I'm rather on the sleepy side and I desire waffles, but alas! Es gibt einfach keine Waffeln im Tiefkuehlschrank. Yeah, Eggo is ideal for the non-breakfast-making type.
So, I'm feeling a bit better about stuff lately, feeling that some amends have been made, feeling much more at ease!
I've finally gotten around to some long-awaited, long-neglected sorries, and I'm thinking things will transition nicely back towards something near what they used to be like. Maybe that's really wishful thinking, but hanging out with Nick the other day felt mostly like the old days. :)
I just have to stop being so serious and loosen up, because all this internal gravity is making me pedantic and oversensitive. I do not want to be that person, and I'm really not that person. I love humor too much to let introspection overtake my sense of lightheartedness. I can balance the two, as antipodal as they sometimes prove to be, and aspire to do so again.
On that note, there seems to be a volume of hanky-panky taking place on my couch and possibly in the cupola on this fine morning. HEY! I'M NOT BABYSITTING IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, MISSY. It's really fortunate that I've never been propositioned to babysit for Lisa or Eric, the former being more likely to ask me in the first place, for geographical pragmatism. Thassokay. You don't want me to be in charge of your child.
Saw Kickass last night with Sky and got in for free, thanks to some astounding NECAP scores (actually, my math score was atrocious--yet more incentive to study for the SAT.) It was good, way more violent and gory than I'd expected! Very funny, though. But I must ask, Nicholas Cage, what the Hell are you doing in this film, dressed like Batman, and so moustachedly endowed? Hm, that's probably not a good way to word that, but I'm keeping it that way. The question remains. Think about it. I would recommend Kickass to those of you who would like bits that are briefly and vaguely reminiscent of Kill Bill. :)
Okay, I think that's it for me for now. I just wanted to post to clear the depressed mood of my previous blog.
~James
Top o' the Marnin', folktypes! Long time no speak!
I'm rather on the sleepy side and I desire waffles, but alas! Es gibt einfach keine Waffeln im Tiefkuehlschrank. Yeah, Eggo is ideal for the non-breakfast-making type.
So, I'm feeling a bit better about stuff lately, feeling that some amends have been made, feeling much more at ease!
I've finally gotten around to some long-awaited, long-neglected sorries, and I'm thinking things will transition nicely back towards something near what they used to be like. Maybe that's really wishful thinking, but hanging out with Nick the other day felt mostly like the old days. :)
I just have to stop being so serious and loosen up, because all this internal gravity is making me pedantic and oversensitive. I do not want to be that person, and I'm really not that person. I love humor too much to let introspection overtake my sense of lightheartedness. I can balance the two, as antipodal as they sometimes prove to be, and aspire to do so again.
On that note, there seems to be a volume of hanky-panky taking place on my couch and possibly in the cupola on this fine morning. HEY! I'M NOT BABYSITTING IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, MISSY. It's really fortunate that I've never been propositioned to babysit for Lisa or Eric, the former being more likely to ask me in the first place, for geographical pragmatism. Thassokay. You don't want me to be in charge of your child.
Saw Kickass last night with Sky and got in for free, thanks to some astounding NECAP scores (actually, my math score was atrocious--yet more incentive to study for the SAT.) It was good, way more violent and gory than I'd expected! Very funny, though. But I must ask, Nicholas Cage, what the Hell are you doing in this film, dressed like Batman, and so moustachedly endowed? Hm, that's probably not a good way to word that, but I'm keeping it that way. The question remains. Think about it. I would recommend Kickass to those of you who would like bits that are briefly and vaguely reminiscent of Kill Bill. :)
Okay, I think that's it for me for now. I just wanted to post to clear the depressed mood of my previous blog.
~James
Monday, February 1, 2010
Musing on my Relationships, Chronically Adressed Resolutions
Jamie=delving deeper into the fact that interpersonal relationships are something that she seriously struggles with.
Beyond lacking basic social etiquette and giving strange impressions, there's a more fundamental problem there, I think. I've always been more introverted than extroverted, which is fine and in and of itself is not a problem with me. I like to think that I can think independently, logic aside. My deal, though, is that my introversion has gotten to be extreme enough that I do not have the capacity for healthy, mutual relationships with other people. I tend to take emotionally and materialistically and give next to nothing back. I aspire towards balance and fairness but am too hesitant and too unsympathetic to know what that really means on my end. I don't want to give up on it; there's no reason to! I'm a very young person with a great capacity to change. I want to find my own means of treating people and treating myself, because I find a lot of social standards to be irrelevant to how I've learned that I feel about things. There are some that I find make sense, though, that I want to work on. For example, don't let a new person in your life replace the Tried and True. The new don't have to earn you, but they ought to learn you. It's not fair to step into someone's life and immediately make demands of them. People already have so much internally to work out and it doesn't tend to help either party to add onto that persistent stress. Secondly, I want to start making some of the moves, so my friends can be assured of their importance to me, their value to me. It's not that I don't care enough to be the one to make plans. It's just that, as silly as it sounds, it often doesn't occur to me to do it because I enjoy my time alone as well. When I'm not stimulated socially, most of the time I'm internally stimulated and don't actively seek company. It's nothing personal and I don't mean to make you unsure of whether I'm engaged. It's still something to work on, though. I'm not very considerate of other people, in large part due to my lack of understanding to sympathize. Sometimes I oppose, and sometimes I'm just neutral because I haven't experienced what you're going through and don't have real advice. I would rather give advice from experience or from whatever I can offer as far as an objective standpoint goes, than empty advice that doesn't help or even reassure anyone.
I've realized that I really do have a hard time with superficial social matters. I would rather not put myself forth if I don't personally believe in my standpoint, which can also make me unsupportive. I don't think feigning an opinion is convincing when I do it, so I try to abstain from doing so whenever possible. Still could improve there, too, though.
I don't want people to feel obligated towards me when I'm figuring things out for myself, because I tend to close people out when I am doing so and may very well come to conclusions that are not kindly met by the people close to me. I don't want to push people away from me, but I don't want to pull them in if I can't even be sure that I can cater to them emotionally as I solidify my beliefs. The problem with all that is that I simply can't expect my friends to detach that way if they haven't already found a reason that would cause them to. The way I look at self discipline and responsibility does not tend to work for other people, which is understandable. It's a way of approaching things that can lead to taking on inordinate amounts of (hypothetical) responsibility, but also to being selfish. I don't ask that people bend to accommodate that, because it encompasses the idea of catering to one's own beliefs and not necessarily to others, but at least it can be known. It is y'all's choice as to how you would/will go about that.
~James
Beyond lacking basic social etiquette and giving strange impressions, there's a more fundamental problem there, I think. I've always been more introverted than extroverted, which is fine and in and of itself is not a problem with me. I like to think that I can think independently, logic aside. My deal, though, is that my introversion has gotten to be extreme enough that I do not have the capacity for healthy, mutual relationships with other people. I tend to take emotionally and materialistically and give next to nothing back. I aspire towards balance and fairness but am too hesitant and too unsympathetic to know what that really means on my end. I don't want to give up on it; there's no reason to! I'm a very young person with a great capacity to change. I want to find my own means of treating people and treating myself, because I find a lot of social standards to be irrelevant to how I've learned that I feel about things. There are some that I find make sense, though, that I want to work on. For example, don't let a new person in your life replace the Tried and True. The new don't have to earn you, but they ought to learn you. It's not fair to step into someone's life and immediately make demands of them. People already have so much internally to work out and it doesn't tend to help either party to add onto that persistent stress. Secondly, I want to start making some of the moves, so my friends can be assured of their importance to me, their value to me. It's not that I don't care enough to be the one to make plans. It's just that, as silly as it sounds, it often doesn't occur to me to do it because I enjoy my time alone as well. When I'm not stimulated socially, most of the time I'm internally stimulated and don't actively seek company. It's nothing personal and I don't mean to make you unsure of whether I'm engaged. It's still something to work on, though. I'm not very considerate of other people, in large part due to my lack of understanding to sympathize. Sometimes I oppose, and sometimes I'm just neutral because I haven't experienced what you're going through and don't have real advice. I would rather give advice from experience or from whatever I can offer as far as an objective standpoint goes, than empty advice that doesn't help or even reassure anyone.
I've realized that I really do have a hard time with superficial social matters. I would rather not put myself forth if I don't personally believe in my standpoint, which can also make me unsupportive. I don't think feigning an opinion is convincing when I do it, so I try to abstain from doing so whenever possible. Still could improve there, too, though.
I don't want people to feel obligated towards me when I'm figuring things out for myself, because I tend to close people out when I am doing so and may very well come to conclusions that are not kindly met by the people close to me. I don't want to push people away from me, but I don't want to pull them in if I can't even be sure that I can cater to them emotionally as I solidify my beliefs. The problem with all that is that I simply can't expect my friends to detach that way if they haven't already found a reason that would cause them to. The way I look at self discipline and responsibility does not tend to work for other people, which is understandable. It's a way of approaching things that can lead to taking on inordinate amounts of (hypothetical) responsibility, but also to being selfish. I don't ask that people bend to accommodate that, because it encompasses the idea of catering to one's own beliefs and not necessarily to others, but at least it can be known. It is y'all's choice as to how you would/will go about that.
~James
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Apology, Explanation, Reflection, Request, Personal Quest
I feel a strong urge to write a blog tonight.
I just got home from a Guitar Hero-playing, homework-doing excursion at Shea, Cheyenne, and Gail's place. I'm glad to have gotten to spend time with Shea and Cheyenne (Gail was at work) and play Guitar Hero and to have at least started some homework.
However, I am very upset and very torn about something that came up regarding a poem I wrote about a once close, now very distant friend. What I wrote in the poem was anything but nice and was in fact scornful and accusing. I wrote it out of anger, but also out of honesty for how I've been feeling. I feel badly that my friend found this poem without warning, and although I did not write it with any particular intent for him to see it, I would not have put it on a website had I wanted it to be private. That is to say, I didn't intend for him not to see it, either. I am glad that he read it, because at least he knows how I feel, but I realize that it's a problem that I cannot go to him and just say it to him and give him some chance at defense. I attacked him and put my attack on display, which is cowardly. I wanted to vent, just as I vented about another person publicly but without naming names, and a bit of a while after the fact. I can't justify, really, trying to pass it off as just poetry--it doesn't belong on Fictionpress of all public places. I will not remove, it, though, because now that I've mentioned it here, it's everyone's business to read what I'm talking about and be angry with me for what I said and the way I said it if they so wish. If they know my Fictionpress. To advertise my Fictionpress in this situation would make it seem that I am advertising my kinder words to win people over, which is not the point. So, if you know it already, go ahead. If not, you won't find it here.
Although I often feel very obligated towards people and would sometimes rather serve their interests before mine to avoid unnecessary conflict, I often wish to ask that people step back and give me my space to learn for myself. I hate to be obstinate while asking others to open up, but I would rather learn my lessons from my own experiences rather than take someone else's word for it. It doesn't make me an idiot for not listening in the first place even if what you say turns out to be true. It may seem like a waste of time, but I do not understand until I understand and am better off that way. I don't ask you to stand by me in that. Even if I were to feel hurt or unsupported in a situation where I was testing the waters for myself and my friends or family separated themselves from it, I would rather know, in the end, that I learned what I needed to for myself. I could just as easily be pleasantly surprised as unpleasantly surprised in what I learn, and to an extent, I am willing to find out which it will be the hard way.
~Your aloof friend,
James
I just got home from a Guitar Hero-playing, homework-doing excursion at Shea, Cheyenne, and Gail's place. I'm glad to have gotten to spend time with Shea and Cheyenne (Gail was at work) and play Guitar Hero and to have at least started some homework.
However, I am very upset and very torn about something that came up regarding a poem I wrote about a once close, now very distant friend. What I wrote in the poem was anything but nice and was in fact scornful and accusing. I wrote it out of anger, but also out of honesty for how I've been feeling. I feel badly that my friend found this poem without warning, and although I did not write it with any particular intent for him to see it, I would not have put it on a website had I wanted it to be private. That is to say, I didn't intend for him not to see it, either. I am glad that he read it, because at least he knows how I feel, but I realize that it's a problem that I cannot go to him and just say it to him and give him some chance at defense. I attacked him and put my attack on display, which is cowardly. I wanted to vent, just as I vented about another person publicly but without naming names, and a bit of a while after the fact. I can't justify, really, trying to pass it off as just poetry--it doesn't belong on Fictionpress of all public places. I will not remove, it, though, because now that I've mentioned it here, it's everyone's business to read what I'm talking about and be angry with me for what I said and the way I said it if they so wish. If they know my Fictionpress. To advertise my Fictionpress in this situation would make it seem that I am advertising my kinder words to win people over, which is not the point. So, if you know it already, go ahead. If not, you won't find it here.
Although I often feel very obligated towards people and would sometimes rather serve their interests before mine to avoid unnecessary conflict, I often wish to ask that people step back and give me my space to learn for myself. I hate to be obstinate while asking others to open up, but I would rather learn my lessons from my own experiences rather than take someone else's word for it. It doesn't make me an idiot for not listening in the first place even if what you say turns out to be true. It may seem like a waste of time, but I do not understand until I understand and am better off that way. I don't ask you to stand by me in that. Even if I were to feel hurt or unsupported in a situation where I was testing the waters for myself and my friends or family separated themselves from it, I would rather know, in the end, that I learned what I needed to for myself. I could just as easily be pleasantly surprised as unpleasantly surprised in what I learn, and to an extent, I am willing to find out which it will be the hard way.
~Your aloof friend,
James
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The Usual and Not-So-Usual
Jamie equates a mess of large, two-toned hair, anxious about school tomorrow, and seeking help for my dad.
So, summer is packing its bags, but never for good. Just for fall, winter and spring. It's finally getting chilly in the house, which means I am finally dressing appropriately for the season. I am not anxiously awaiting winter, but I'm looking forward to fall, which means October, which means Halloween and many a friends' birthday. Oh, and my birthday. September, though, means STRESS and possibly disappointment, as I will be auditioning for Select Choir. I've been practicing rhythm and sight-reading a lot, but I haven't been paying attention to solfege hardly at all, which is unwise. I still have a little time, probably, though. Well, I hope so. I've improved so much and I really want to be a part of that group.
In other news, I need a little help from you guys, or anyone you know who can help and is willing: my dad is having a wicked tough time with his treatment and everything, and work is crap for him right now, and he's asking Lindsay and I to do some fundraising for him. I know that's a little weird, but I don't want to let him down. If anyone can donate any money to us at all, it would be greatly appreciated. I realize that this is a sucky time for a lot of people, but again, any help at all. This is aimed mostly at people I actually know. If you can help or know anyone who can, email me. Here's to sounding cheesy and feeling uneasy.
(Unintended, not-so-rhythmic rhyme.)
In other news, I've been working a little bit on Carly's story, finally. I have proof on Fictionpress. I have proof of a few things on Fictionpress, actually. Check it out. I would link you to my noteflight as well, but everything I'm working on right now is private because it's not finished, so...I should prolly get rid of that link on my Fictionpress.
In even more other news, I'm freaking hungry like a mofo. All we have to eat is fruit flies and, like, frozen yogurt, the latter of which is quite tasty and good for me...the former smells like rot and overpopulation. One of my least favorite parts of summer is bugs. I don't kill the ones I encounter if I can help it, though. Most people complain that "bugs don't belong in the house," but it's sorta the other way around: our houses don't belong in Nature. We are the intruders, and the fact that we punish the smaller life forms out there for our topsy-turvy thinking is frustrating to me. I get the heebie-jeebies from bugs, too, but a simple solution is BRING THEM OUTSIDE. Suck it up as best you can and find a way to release them.
And with that, I am out. Hope my and all of your schedules are fixed, fellow Pinkertonians!
~James
So, summer is packing its bags, but never for good. Just for fall, winter and spring. It's finally getting chilly in the house, which means I am finally dressing appropriately for the season. I am not anxiously awaiting winter, but I'm looking forward to fall, which means October, which means Halloween and many a friends' birthday. Oh, and my birthday. September, though, means STRESS and possibly disappointment, as I will be auditioning for Select Choir. I've been practicing rhythm and sight-reading a lot, but I haven't been paying attention to solfege hardly at all, which is unwise. I still have a little time, probably, though. Well, I hope so. I've improved so much and I really want to be a part of that group.
In other news, I need a little help from you guys, or anyone you know who can help and is willing: my dad is having a wicked tough time with his treatment and everything, and work is crap for him right now, and he's asking Lindsay and I to do some fundraising for him. I know that's a little weird, but I don't want to let him down. If anyone can donate any money to us at all, it would be greatly appreciated. I realize that this is a sucky time for a lot of people, but again, any help at all. This is aimed mostly at people I actually know. If you can help or know anyone who can, email me. Here's to sounding cheesy and feeling uneasy.
(Unintended, not-so-rhythmic rhyme.)
In other news, I've been working a little bit on Carly's story, finally. I have proof on Fictionpress. I have proof of a few things on Fictionpress, actually. Check it out. I would link you to my noteflight as well, but everything I'm working on right now is private because it's not finished, so...I should prolly get rid of that link on my Fictionpress.
In even more other news, I'm freaking hungry like a mofo. All we have to eat is fruit flies and, like, frozen yogurt, the latter of which is quite tasty and good for me...the former smells like rot and overpopulation. One of my least favorite parts of summer is bugs. I don't kill the ones I encounter if I can help it, though. Most people complain that "bugs don't belong in the house," but it's sorta the other way around: our houses don't belong in Nature. We are the intruders, and the fact that we punish the smaller life forms out there for our topsy-turvy thinking is frustrating to me. I get the heebie-jeebies from bugs, too, but a simple solution is BRING THEM OUTSIDE. Suck it up as best you can and find a way to release them.
And with that, I am out. Hope my and all of your schedules are fixed, fellow Pinkertonians!
~James
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Jamie=feeling as though she were living an infinite PMS
But the better part of PMS, which, for me, includes bonkerish quantities of creative energy.
I want to get on a potter's wheel, I want to draw, I want to compose a song, I want to play the Cello, I want to write a novel, I want to write a play...I want to do everything! Plus, I want to be productive and get something done...Maybe I'll clean my room...maybe I'll start an exercise regimen, maybe I'll sit at the piano and learn a song all the way through.
God, I need to get something done!
I've been trying to figure out what I want to go to college for in upcoming years, and I'm entirely overwhelmed. I know that I'm just entering Junior year at school, but I don't want it all to sneak up on me and explode in my face when I haven't made up my mind on what to do. There are so many areas that interest me, and fortunately, most of them fall under the category of Fine or Liberal Arts. These are the things I want to study in college:
Music: Cell0, voice
Visual Art: Ceramics, photography
Literature: Creative writing, play writing
Language: German, Russian, Japanese
Films: Acting, screenwriting, directing
I am going bonkers. Absolutely bonkers, all cooped up in the house and not seeing anyone. Playing a lot of video games and not enough piano, and no Cello whatsoever until I get a farking job. The Sans is gone and I've only just really started sight reading to practice for Select Choir auditions this year. Ahhh!
Is anyone out there seeking a vocalist for a band--any genre of band, except for one that would require me to scream or rap, given I cannot do either? I have a classical-sounding voice but am trying new sounds and would like to work with someone. I seriously need to get started on something musical and follow through with it. I love to harmonize and would be delighted to work with either female or male voices and any combination thereof. Let me know!
I need to go outside more.
~James
But the better part of PMS, which, for me, includes bonkerish quantities of creative energy.
I want to get on a potter's wheel, I want to draw, I want to compose a song, I want to play the Cello, I want to write a novel, I want to write a play...I want to do everything! Plus, I want to be productive and get something done...Maybe I'll clean my room...maybe I'll start an exercise regimen, maybe I'll sit at the piano and learn a song all the way through.
God, I need to get something done!
I've been trying to figure out what I want to go to college for in upcoming years, and I'm entirely overwhelmed. I know that I'm just entering Junior year at school, but I don't want it all to sneak up on me and explode in my face when I haven't made up my mind on what to do. There are so many areas that interest me, and fortunately, most of them fall under the category of Fine or Liberal Arts. These are the things I want to study in college:
Music: Cell0, voice
Visual Art: Ceramics, photography
Literature: Creative writing, play writing
Language: German, Russian, Japanese
Films: Acting, screenwriting, directing
I am going bonkers. Absolutely bonkers, all cooped up in the house and not seeing anyone. Playing a lot of video games and not enough piano, and no Cello whatsoever until I get a farking job. The Sans is gone and I've only just really started sight reading to practice for Select Choir auditions this year. Ahhh!
Is anyone out there seeking a vocalist for a band--any genre of band, except for one that would require me to scream or rap, given I cannot do either? I have a classical-sounding voice but am trying new sounds and would like to work with someone. I seriously need to get started on something musical and follow through with it. I love to harmonize and would be delighted to work with either female or male voices and any combination thereof. Let me know!
I need to go outside more.
~James
Monday, July 6, 2009
Oy!
Jamie=sore and aggravated
Oy.
I can't imagine being as intrusive as so many of the people I observe on a day-to-day basis are. I can't imagine feeling the urge to try to control what another person does. I can hardly fathom throwing such a fit about everything that makes me angry, because even I get pissed off at tiny little things all the time--but it doesn't show, really, does it?
I admire those people who can stand up for what they feel is right unabashedly. They have transcended the sort of cowardice that I feel and think behind. But I don't need to make all my problems everyone else's (I suppose I am doing so, though, in writing this blog). It's almost strange how little it seems to take to set people off externally. People make a lot of things problematic for themselves. I'm fortunate to be laid-back, though I realize that said laid-backness may sometimes come off as a lack of feeling or concern. Honestly, there are some things that just don't matter enough to me for me to throw a hissy fit.
Of course, here, I am ranting, therefore I am making my reactions external. Truthfully, a lot of things make me angry or at least irritated, and it is these things here that I am mentioning that frustrate me and stress me out. There is a conundrum, naturally, and I think it is clearly delineated here: I try to deal with most of my nonsense myself, internally, but it is not in my nature to keep it all to myself, so in the end it is made known, even if I am not shoving it down everyone's throat by throwing a fit or arguing all the time. Your way is not my way, and that does not make either of us wrong or right. I understand, even, the principle behind your way, I think. I just do not apply it to myself.
I'm sorry for denouncing you. I'm tired and irritated because I want to be left alone about some things, because it's being made into a big deal, first by my doing it, then your reacting, then my reacting to your reacting. It's a vicious cycle, and I know I'm not helping. I don't want to feel attacked. For most people, I keep quiet, because it is not my place to tell you what to do. The person I should be concerned with controlling is myself. You see?
I've learned things about certain people that I don't really want to know, because they make me jump at the opportunity to be annoyed about stupid petty things, and I don't like to face things that way. I don't like it to be done to me or to anyone else, either. It is good to see in clearer vision the things that I could have and probably have overlooked, though. I've come to understand some things about myself that I have to overcome and some to accept.
I don't even know if this blog makes sense to anyone but me. It's almost four in the morning and I am so tired. Plus, it smells ueber gnarly in here. I think I need to go to bed. And procure some cheer with which to blog next time. I had a big Blog fanbase on Myspace...hmm...I hope to acquire this on Blogger and on Facebook as well.
Sorry to be so negative in this blog. I've become less tolerant about a lot of things and far more so about others in the recent past. Permanence Prevents Progression.
Naughty night/morning, all!
~Jamie
Oy.
I can't imagine being as intrusive as so many of the people I observe on a day-to-day basis are. I can't imagine feeling the urge to try to control what another person does. I can hardly fathom throwing such a fit about everything that makes me angry, because even I get pissed off at tiny little things all the time--but it doesn't show, really, does it?
I admire those people who can stand up for what they feel is right unabashedly. They have transcended the sort of cowardice that I feel and think behind. But I don't need to make all my problems everyone else's (I suppose I am doing so, though, in writing this blog). It's almost strange how little it seems to take to set people off externally. People make a lot of things problematic for themselves. I'm fortunate to be laid-back, though I realize that said laid-backness may sometimes come off as a lack of feeling or concern. Honestly, there are some things that just don't matter enough to me for me to throw a hissy fit.
Of course, here, I am ranting, therefore I am making my reactions external. Truthfully, a lot of things make me angry or at least irritated, and it is these things here that I am mentioning that frustrate me and stress me out. There is a conundrum, naturally, and I think it is clearly delineated here: I try to deal with most of my nonsense myself, internally, but it is not in my nature to keep it all to myself, so in the end it is made known, even if I am not shoving it down everyone's throat by throwing a fit or arguing all the time. Your way is not my way, and that does not make either of us wrong or right. I understand, even, the principle behind your way, I think. I just do not apply it to myself.
I'm sorry for denouncing you. I'm tired and irritated because I want to be left alone about some things, because it's being made into a big deal, first by my doing it, then your reacting, then my reacting to your reacting. It's a vicious cycle, and I know I'm not helping. I don't want to feel attacked. For most people, I keep quiet, because it is not my place to tell you what to do. The person I should be concerned with controlling is myself. You see?
I've learned things about certain people that I don't really want to know, because they make me jump at the opportunity to be annoyed about stupid petty things, and I don't like to face things that way. I don't like it to be done to me or to anyone else, either. It is good to see in clearer vision the things that I could have and probably have overlooked, though. I've come to understand some things about myself that I have to overcome and some to accept.
I don't even know if this blog makes sense to anyone but me. It's almost four in the morning and I am so tired. Plus, it smells ueber gnarly in here. I think I need to go to bed. And procure some cheer with which to blog next time. I had a big Blog fanbase on Myspace...hmm...I hope to acquire this on Blogger and on Facebook as well.
Sorry to be so negative in this blog. I've become less tolerant about a lot of things and far more so about others in the recent past. Permanence Prevents Progression.
Naughty night/morning, all!
~Jamie
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